I know my ex knows how much I hate being disliked. Keeping my things, turning people against me, tainting my reputation, not forgiving me. How do I let it go? How do I give myself closure?
Worst Ex-Girlfriend Ever. Dear Worst Ex-Girlfriend Ever,. You and your ex both need therapy. How do you walk out on your dogs like that?!! Whenever you leave one person for another, it takes some time for your emotions to catch up with reality. This tends to muddy the waters of your perceptions and your affections. In order to nurture a long-term relationship, you have to have faith in yourself.
Those porous boundaries will make it easy for you to become overly possessive and jealous in your new relationship. You have to separate your fears, your history, and your shame from each other instead of lumping them into one murky swamp of self-hatred and dread. You have to slowly sift through the forces acting on you so you can build healthy boundaries and see the world through clear eyes.
In order to stop fixating on your ex and his gossip, you somewhat ironically! When you trust yourself and build faith in yourself, you see the world through new eyes. Right now, that newfound clarity is threatened by your habit of black-and-white thinking. Black-and-white thinking is a side effect of shame and fear. We all miss some of our exes sometimes. Love can still be magical and your new boyfriend can still be amazing.
In order to get there, you have to look closely at the past. You surrendered your power to your ex. Your black-and-white thinking matched his. You were both trying to escape your fears and your self-loathing. You were both ashamed of yourselves.
You were both trying to prove that you were lovable, to each other and to the outside world. People who are ruled by their shame are always trying to apologize and explain themselves, but all it does is make things murkier and more complicated.
Your letter is a clear reflection of this confusion and shame: You bounce back and forth between condemning your ex and worrying about him. You blame him and you blame yourself. You want to identify a criminal and you want to be forgiven. No one can rob you of your own history. You need your own. What if your new boyfriend is like that, too?
What if your flaws and weaknesses eventually surprise him, too? Let go of the heaven and hell of your neurotic fantasies, and live in reality instead. But that history belongs to each of us separately. He can tell whatever stories he wants to whoever he wants, and so can I.
Everyone has their own stories. He had issues no one could help him with, except maybe a professional. I eventually forgave him because I felt sorry for him, and it did nothing in my life to hold onto bitterness and resentment. It only hurt me and stunted my future relationships, so I just one day realised I needed to allow myself to move on. Now I feel nothing but indifference towards him. I used to feel I hated him and I've accepted the fact that I can never be his friend or even really enjoy him as a person in my life, so indifference is OK with me.
He didn't really give two shits that I hated him, and meanwhile I was losing my mind every day over how much I hated him for what he did to me, crying and feeling my blood boil, and just emotionally exhausting myself. Eventually I just had to let it go. I still have moments where I hate him, but I try to let the feeling pass.
I can be upset about what he did to me without it dangerously raising my blood pressure. I will never forget how he treated me, but I do try to make a conscious effort of not letting it get to me as much because it does nothing good for me. Time will help as well, and also therapy! Sure, I sometimes have the occasional disgusted thought of them, but it passes and turns to relief when I think of how much better my life is without them in it. What helped me was spending more time with my friends, traveling, and falling for someone else.
Being full of positive emotions left no room for hate. I chose to stop thinking about him, which took some doing but every single time I caught myself thinking about something he did or how unhappy he made me I forced myself to stop.
At first I used 'Over the Rainbow' for lack of a better method, it was something else I could immediately switch my mind to. Hating your ex means that you continue to think about them. Consider that. You cannot hate someone you never think about. The nature of hate means that it is a thing you think about constantly. You dwell on it. Maybe you even obsess about it.
Hating someone takes a lot of energy. Do you really want to be putting your energy into someone you no longer want to be with, or who no longer wants to be with you? You are only stealing time away from yourself and continuing to think about all the negative aspects of this person and your past relationship. Being angry is stressful to your mind and body , and it is known to lead to high blood pressure and inflammation.
Allowing yourself to continue hating your ex does exactly nothing to them and may actually be causing you great harm. Instead, you can move on and focus on you, instead of focusing on the ex. Hate is a thing that keeps you attached to your ex. You likely began hating your ex because they made you feel bad about yourself or your life. Hating them will not ultimately make you feel better about you. What matters is that your life is right for you.
Better understanding the hatred you feel toward your ex can help you. Now you are in over-control mode and guarding your boundaries to feel safe. As a result, you have built a wall of hate around yourself. This wall of hate can trap you, making it feel uncomfortable to authentically initiate emotional change.
But are these boundaries that you have built up realistic either? Do they really keep you protected? Nobody is all or nothing or good or evil. However, maintaining this perspective of hatred lives in the extreme.
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